people are starting to question the shark bite story
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?
It's after 5, it's not day drinking.
I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
Randomize
