She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
She passed out on top of the bar. Still did body shots off her.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Randomize
