please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Randomize
