It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Also I told several people at the bar last night that my dad the alligator wrestler died wrestling an alligator. So if anyone asks that's real.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
