I accidentally had phone sex last night
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
If this outfit doesn't get me pregnant tonight I don't know what will...
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
I woke up with what appeared to be LSD in my pocket. Know anything about this?
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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