So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Randomize
