It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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