My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
A good drinking club with a running problem, improves endurance in both I have observed this evening.
2 for 1 beer results in multiples of 2 so what should be a beer or two becomes 4 or 6. But running, alleviates the need for a DD.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
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