im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Randomize
