nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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