I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.
well now I have to
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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