literally had 100 drinks last night.
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
