Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
What, That's like a total 7 inches of cock and 6 are from Joe. Don't be mad at me because you had the lamest orgy ever.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
