she just sneezed while going down on me. is it rude for me to ask her to do it again?
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
According to the transitive property, he has now had dick in his mouth.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
Randomize
