If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
