I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
Randomize
