you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
