I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I wonder if those guys know that i know that is a halfway house and dont just think it is some cool older guy frat house.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
Randomize
