I think I won the penis lottery.
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Just busted the chick who slept with my boyfriend with alcohol. God I love being an RA.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
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