Now it won't go down.
You've got a gift.
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
think he just told me if I need to shit I should go outside.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
