I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
watching "look who's talking now." getting choked up at the end when they find each other at the cabin
doesn't that movie star kirstie alley and have talking dogs in it? new low...even for you
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
Randomize
