my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My cousin just told me i smelled good. She must like the smell of cum.
whore
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I'm high. The text bubbles floating do no justice to the underwater experiences
Dude I used amphetamines responsibly today though. I snorted one in the am for work and then chewed one in the pm for other work. I'm an adult.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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