alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm sorry but if you can talk well enough to critique his oral game, he clearly needs the pointers.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
Well, the night started out with you ALMOST falling out of a tree. Then we went back to the tree after about 9 shots and you DID fall out of the tree.
Well I told him I’ve got the flu....he said he’d wear a condom
Randomize
