I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
hey the jello shots wont freeze
How much Everclear did you put in them?
uhhh all of it
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Had sex on your trumpet just an fyi.
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