Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
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