It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
answered a 6 am booty call this morning...you were still in the er so I thought what the hell
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
You might call them booze related cuts, I call it "partying so hard you sweat blood"
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Randomize
