I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
i woke up wearing a life jacket, holding on to a footlong hotdog, and had on a mr. hustle 1995 shirt on
good night
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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