I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize