genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
They are chanting tits for freedom and I'm highly considering
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
There's still helium in the tank I found in the garbage outside the bar!
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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