just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize
