Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
also had sex in his sister's princess style bunk bed.
but you are a princess that one was appropriate.
There is a time and place for BDSM, in-between disney sing-alongs is not one of them.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
the awesomest thing about staying behind in our lame ass dorm room by myself during spring break: I've now nutted in 3 inconspicuous locations on your side of the room. brag to me again about how fucking awesome tahoe is you shithead. I dare you.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Randomize
