So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
Hey, I took a sweater from your house. And, um, your little brother's virginity.
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
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