i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
