all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
he's gonorrhea incarnate
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
