Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Why are you seriouly talking to me about this when there naked pics of blake lively on the internet? Priorities man...
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Randomize
