tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
Just invented taco cereal.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
I'm tired of being known as the Great Giver Goddess of the Almighty Pity Bone.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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