No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
