last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
