The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
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