i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
Randomize
