we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
You have to summon your inner elephant
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Randomize
