you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
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