i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Talk all the shit you want but I slept in a oversized monster truck tire last night.
Randomize
