if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
goodnight i made you a song goodbye
you would pick up someone in the library
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Randomize
