You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
We need to get her some penis inspired head protection.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
I refuse to believe this is a lapse in my dick hunting skills. It's gotta be the gods playing a game.
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
Randomize
