big game today.. looking forward to seeing that magic win, and then i will celebrate with a nude dip in lake Eola.. anyone else in??
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Anddon't worry about me I have my Darth Vader flashlight
Tried to put an eye patch on while hooking up with a girl. She was not amused.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
