i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
she smelled like a LAN party
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
Its like they don't get that I only talk to them before homecoming, thanksgiving, or any other time I go home. I love highschool girls.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
I biked home blackout drunk last night, but I have some memory of throwing my bike in a rage when I couldnt get it down the stairs. No idea on the bright orange puke in the sink.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
