The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I think I've lost the thrill of being a slut. It's just that the newness has worn off, I think.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
I went shopping for a dress that was baptism and bar appropriate.
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
i think i just naturally attract stoners
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