My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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