bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
