I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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