I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
