Tell her she can't have a vagina
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
He started a convo with me by saying that we went to high school together and then recommended I try meth.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
The thought of you trying to procreat frightenes and disgusts me!
Randomize
