If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
I walked outside an you were laying down talking to a star about your life. That's when I took the bottle of jack away...
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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