also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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