Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
Just realized i left my bra at his house. WHY do i suck at one night stands?!
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
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