I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
They're playing house music in my dentists office again, wtf is wrong with these people. That's not the music you want to get a root canal to
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Randomize
