I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
then she said "on the count of three I think we should apologize to eachother"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
So um... You probably shouldn't post that picture of me and your crotch just because that's a new level of raunchiness that I'm not willing to accept yet
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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