No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
Randomize
