Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I didnt expect it either. But she was there and I had a boner, so i made it happen.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
We did face masks and fucked...he really isn't gay, what they say about europeans is just true
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
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