theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I really really need to have and out of body experience just so I can talk to myself about this shit that I'm doing with my life.
She legitimately thought I was hiding in the fridge, then she checked the second one to be sure
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
