I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Randomize
