He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
